Thursday, May 8, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Why I Drink
Sure. We all go through it. The nightly hijacking of our adult time by the terrorists among us: our offspring. Think that I have any more sympathy for mine just because they have medical issues? Think again...
Night Noises: A One Act Play
(inspired by the hit children's story 'Go the F*** to Sleep!')
by: Ashley Fuchs
Dedicated to: my children, without whom, I would have time...and a life...
Dedicated to: my children, without whom, I would have time...and a life...
The
Cast:
Mom:
Ashley (Me)
Daughter:
Eldest Rubber Duck
Son:
Youngest Rubber Duck
Dad:
Mr. Ashley
The
Setting: A typical bedtime routine on a school night, 20 minutes past bedtime and just past the point where
my patience has run out…
[In
Son’s room]
Mom:
“It’s past bedtime, so it’s time to tuck you in. Do you have your wrist braces
on?”
Son:
“No.”
Mom: Sigh…"The ones you wear every night? That you should know you need to
have on by now? Where are they?”
Son:
“I dunno.”
Mom:
Turns on light. “Well, help me look for them.” Found under the bed with about seven
balled up socks. “How did they…? Nevermind. Good night. Sleep well. Do you need
anything?”
Son:
“No”
Mom:
“OK. I love you.”
Son:
“See you in the mor-ning!”
Mom:
“See you in the mor-ning!” Steps out of room.
Son:
“Mom!”
Mom:
“What?”
Son:
“I need water.”
Mom:
“I just asked you that. You need to get it before we get into bed. It’s too
late now. Good night…”
Son:
“I NEED WATER OR I’M GOING TO GET DEHYDRATED AND GET A MIGRAINE!”
Mom:
(Grrrrrrrrrrr): Get.it.yourself. I have to put your sister to bed and sit down
for five minutes tonight.
[In
Daughter’s room]
Mom:
“OK, hon, it’s bedtime, so put down the book and…good LORD how did your room get
this messy? Anyway, did you brush your teeth?”
Daughter:
“No.”
Mom:
“It’s 9:00! I sent you up to do that an hour ago. Get it done…and remember to wash
your face and put on night cream so you will have nice skin…”
Son:
“Mom?”
Mom:
“Go to sleep, Son!”
Son:
“How come she gets to stay up later than me?”
Mom:
“I’m closing your door…”
Son:
“No!!!”
Daughter:
“I’m finished!”
Mom:
“Great. I was just watching your fish swim around while I waited. Did you remember to feed him?”
Daughter:
“No…”
Mom:
Gathering chi, counting to three. “If you don’t feed your fish, then it won’t
live. Let’s do it now.”
Son:
Leaping out of bed “I want to feed mine!”
The children feed
their fish, peppered by minor arguments over who gets to go first, etc.
Finally, everyone is back into their own beds with the lights out.
Mom:
“Goodnight, Daughter. Do you have your wrist braces on?”
Daughter:
“No.”
Mom:
Losing it…“REALLY? ‘Cause I seem to remember that’s something that you have to do
every damn night! Where are they?”
Daughter:
Looking at a pile of clothes next to her bed. “Um…”
Mom:
“OK, I’m out. I haven’t sat down all day. You find them and turn your own light
out. I love you…very much…”
Daughter:
teary “How come Son gets a better tuck in than me!”
Mom:
Sigh…”Because it’s 9:20 pm, and you should have been asleep 30 min ago.”
[In living room]
Mom
sits down with Dad, who has just finished washing the dinner
dishes and walking the dog. A television program is on.
Mom:
“So, how was your day?”
Dad:
“Well, actually…” Footsteps are heard on stairs. Both parents freeze. “Who is
it, and what do you want?” Dad says in a not-inviting voice…
Son: (in a small voice) “Mom…?”
Mom:
Dropping her head in her hands. “What.”
Son:
“My hip hurts. I need tape.
Mom:
“Yeah, your hip hurts, Son. You tried to ride your scooter down a hill and fell
off, pulling your groin. You probably subluxed it. I offered you ice and you
refused. You need ice.”
Son:
“Can you tape it?”
Mom:
“I will tape it in the morning. Do you want ice?
It will make the swelling go down and make you feel better so you can sleep.”
Son:
“No.”
Mom:
“Then go to bed, and don’t come down again.”
Two minutes
later…
Mom:
“Son! I said not to come down again!”
Daughter:
“It’s me.”
Mom
and Dad: “What are you doing out of bed?!”
Daughter:
“I need ice. My knees and ankles hurt from ballet.”
Mom:
“Why didn't you do it when you came home from ballet like I suggested? It’s 9:40! You need sleep! And I
need to have some time with your Dad that doesn’t involve the two of you!”
Daughter:
“But Mom, I’m just trying to do what you said to do when I hurt!”
Mom: Walking to the kitchen. “This is why I drink.”
End
scene.
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